Self-compassion is indispensable for our health and happiness.
With Valentine’s Day upon us, many of us are busy planning how best to express our love to that special someone. But how about taking a few moments to show some love and appreciation for ourselves too?
Whether you're in a relationship or not, cultivating self-love is crucial as your relationship with yourself sets the tone for the relationships you have with everyone and everything else around you. "Self-love is imperative as it essentially helps you move towards choices that center your own health and happiness," says Dr. Colleen Reichmann, a Philadelphia-based licensed clinical psychologist and co-author of The Inside Scoop on Eating Disorder Recovery.
"We actually have research that demonstrates that those with higher levels of self-love are more likely to make healthier choices in life like prioritizing self-care, nurturing positive relationships and tending to basic needs such as sleep, eating and hygiene," says Dr. Reichmann. In addition, it helps you better love and support others as well.
However, practicing self-love isn't always easy. There's more to it than an indulgent spa day and bubble baths. And it doesn't always come naturally to everyone. "For a lot of us, it's easier to be kinder to others than ourselves," says Dr. Beth Pausic, a licensed psychologist and director of behavioral health at Hims & Hers. From what I've learned (and continue to learn) from personal experience, it's a complex, conscious and dynamic life-long journey instead of a simple linear process. Which means there will be plenty of trials and errors and highs and lows along the road.
Here, six mental health experts reveal the biggest obstacles to self-compassion and how you can overcome them to live your happiest, healthiest life:
#1 People-Pleasing:
"People-pleasing basically involves living for others and not for ourselves. While many people want to give to others, when we over-extend and adjust and accommodate our behaviors based on the desires of others, we can often lose ourselves," says Dr. Thea Gallagher, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. "Ironically, over-extending ourselves also makes it difficult to support and care for others in a more fulfilling way. As the saying goes, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Not only are they exhausting and impossible to sustain, but chronic people-pleasing and consequent over-extending also create a lot of stress and anxiety. "This can be over meeting these pseudo-obligations as well as over not meeting real obligations," says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a New York-based licensed neuropsychologist and professor of psychology at Columbia University. "It also makes one feel that the only reason people like us is because we always say ‘yes’," adds the neuropsychologist.
Also, some people are takers. They will keep taking and taking some more. "When our giving is not reciprocated, we tend to feel drained, unappreciated or used—all of which can evolve into more extreme emotions such as resent and depression," says Jenna Banks, author of I Love Me More: How to Find Happiness and Success through Self-Love and host of The Jenna Banks Show. This is why it's imperative to put ourselves first by prioritizing and honoring your own needs and feelings.
"When we say no to the things we don’t wish to do, we value our time and attention. And by prioritizing ourselves, we also teach others how we expect them to treat us," adds Banks.
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is the most crucial step for preventing overcommitting and people-pleasing. Get in the habit of saying 'no' to things you don't have time for or just don't want to do. "Remember, just because you can doesn't mean you have to," Dr. Gallagher points out. "Do an honest assessment of the time you have to give to something and try to resist doing things out of a sense of obligation," she advises.
Start small by making a list of the most common lines people cross with you. Then make an affirmation that you want to change it. "This is is important as you’ll never be able to assert your boundaries unless you're convinced about establishing and maintaining them yourself," says Dr. Hafeez. The next step is to work on a script to help you ease into the habit. "Maybe instead of an abrupt 'no' consider a short add-on such as 'work is too busy', 'I would like to have some downtime', or 'I wish I could help, but I’m trying to finish some projects'," suggests Dr. Hafeez.
At first, you might get some pushback but that doesn't mean setting the boundary was wrong. "Just like when you set a boundary with a child, you'll get pushback initially as people who have been taking advantage of your lack of boundaries might not like that you are setting them," says Dr. Gallagher.
Initially, it might also be difficult to know how to protect our boundaries because we tend to default to our conditioned behaviors. "A good place to find instances when your boundaries were compromised is to reflect on moments in which an interaction with someone left you feeling bad," suggests Banks. Perhaps you felt a bit icky, disempowered or defeated. Recall the interaction and try to determine if you let a boundary get crossed. "Think through how you could have handled that situation differently. Go through this process each time until you are able to recognize that feeling of discomfort in the moment. Then take action as the boundary-crossing is happening," Banks advises.
A key thing to remember as you go through this process is that you can’t worry about what the other person will think of you or how they will feel. The focus must remain on how you feel. As the famous author, Melody Beattie aptly said, "we cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings."
#2 Perfectionism:
"Perfectionism leads you on a Sisyphean chase—you can end up putting your true needs aside over and over in search of a feeling that will never actually come," says Dr. Reichmann. "Like people-pleasing, perfectionism is not sustainable. It perpetuates anxiety and makes us feel less than good enough no matter what we do," notes Dr. Hafeez. "It also makes things a lot less enjoyable taking away from any activity," she adds. Challenging perfectionism is imperative towards overcoming the control that it can have over one's life. "One way to ease into this is making a list of what you give up when you chase perfection. Then make a list of small ways you can begin to accept 'good enough' in your life," suggests Dr. Reichmann. Other cognitive-behavioral strategies such as walking away from a trigger, finding an alternate activity or just setting a bar lower than what you’d usually be content with can also be helpful, says Dr. Hafeez.
#3 Guilt and Shame:
It's important to understand some subtle differences between the two emotions. "Shame relates to a feeling we have about ourselves whereas guilt generally relates to something we have done," explains Dr. Pausic. "Both feelings impact our self-worth but shame can be especially debilitating," she adds. Another important thing to note is that guilt can stem from gender conditioning as well. Typically, "guilt alerts us to behavior that goes against our moral code. But, from the gender conditioning we often receive as young girls, guilt also occurs when we come up against a programmed behavior or expectation," says Banks. For example, we may say "yes" to a favor requested by a friend or colleague when we really want to say "no"—but the feeling of guilt makes us do it. "The reality is that we’ve been conditioned to be a 'nice girl' and default to this conditioning, letting feelings of guilt drive our behavior," Banks explains.
To overcome such pervading feelings of guilt, start by assessing its root cause, suggests Dr. Pausic. Ask yourself if it's because of something specific that you did? If so, accept that you made a mistake and determine a better way of moving forward and avoiding similar mistakes in the future," adds the psychologist. "If the guilt is more deep-seated and you feel that you did something for which you are unable to forgive yourself and move forward, consider talking to a therapist to help you resolve these feelings," recommends Dr. Pausic.
"Shame can be more complicated than guilt and is more internalized, encompassing our entire selves," notes Dr. Pausic. Research suggests that shame if left unchecked, may be correlated to an increased risk for depression as well as anxiety disorders.
Part of the power of shame is that we tend to keep it hidden. This could be bankruptcy, an addiction, a lack of higher education or sexual abuse from your childhood. "When we let shame rule us, we feel unlovable or unworthy, leading us to believe that we are undeserving of better relationships and better things in life," says Banks. "In order to start to chip away at that power, you need to open up and talk about it. This can start with sharing your feelings and experiences with a trusted friend, family member or therapist," suggests Dr. Pausic.
"When we stop hiding from our shameful stories and instead, fully own them and embrace them as part of our whole story, we take our power back, feel a greater sense of self-worth, and show up in life in a much better way," Banks explains.
Another key technique is to recognize what triggers your shame and if possible, avoid these triggers, suggests Dr. Pausic. If that's not doable, try to actively notice and reframe your thinking into more positive, reaffirming thoughts instead of allowing your thoughts to spiral negatively, she adds.
#4 Self-Limiting Beliefs:
"These are typically distorted narratives that we have created over the years that aren't relevant to our lives and yet we strongly believe them to be factual," says Alison Stone, a New York-based licensed clinical social worker. For instance, "I've to say yes to everyone or they won't like me anymore", "I'm not smart enough", " I'm too old/too young to do this", "I'm not worthy of being loved", etc.
Self-limiting beliefs hold us back as we reinforce these beliefs by not taking any risks or stepping out of our comfort zone in an attempt to disconfirm the narrative. Thus consequently turning these false and negative beliefs into a self-fulfilling prophecy, explains Dr. Gallagher.
"Most often the self-limiting belief system that we have internalized doesn’t match up with the reality and our true self-worth," notes Dr. Pausic.
Identifying these self-limiting beliefs and then learning ways to shift our thought process toward a more positive, rational and reality-based one can be helpful, suggests Dr. Pausic. "You can do this through self-reflection or if you're finding it more challenging to do it on your own, consider the support and expertise of a therapist," she suggests.
#5 Relying on External Validation
"External validation is a healthy and necessary element in our lives. We look for feedback from others—both personally and professionally. The important thing, however, is to not be completely reliant on external sources for validation," says Dr. Pausic. "Constantly seeking external validation creates a vicious cycle of insecurity," notes Banks. "We place ourselves in the position of constantly assessing if we are acceptable to others, fueling fear of rejection. This fear, in turn, creates more insecurity," she explains.
"Another problem with seeking external validation is that, in trying to please others, we project a well-crafted but inauthentic version of ourselves based upon how we wish others to see us. This makes us disconnected from who we really are and can spur mental health issues such as anxiety and depression," adds Banks. "A healthier way to look at external validation is as icing on the cake—because when you're believing it first intrinsically and then hearing it from others, it would feel like a nice acknowledgment of what you already know," says Dr. Gallagher.
One simple strategy to tackle this is to think about how you validate others and start using them to appreciate yourself. "Give yourself a pep talk like you would give your best friend. And try to believe in yourself, even if it feels unnatural to do so," suggests Dr. Gallagher.
"Instead of focusing on all of the things you feel that you are doing poorly, focus on the things that are going well and tell yourself that you're doing your best," suggests Dr. Pausic. "Being able to appreciate and accept ourselves for exactly who we are in the present is important or we are always living for the future," agrees Dr. Gallagher.
Another simple way to validate yourself is to start celebrating your wins—both big and small—as it helps build confidence and provides fulfillment. "When we give ourselves that pat on the back, we become less needy for that praise from others," says Banks. For example, if you've made a delicious meal, take a moment to recognize your effort and appreciate yourself for it. Or, if you just wrote an email that you’ve been wanting to send, congratulate yourself for following through. Similarly, when you achieve bigger wins like landing a job you really wanted or earning a promotion, recognize and celebrate your skills and accomplishment, Banks suggests.
#6 Comparison:
"Comparison is, as they say, the thief of joy—which also makes it the thief of self-love," says Dr. Reichmann. "In this age of the Internet and social media, it's so easy to get caught up in the trap of comparing your life to others, which can then lead to decreasing levels of gratitude and mindfulness," she adds. Dr. Reichmann suggests limiting time on social media. Here are a few other simple strategies to stop comparing yourself to others.
#7 Not Listening to Intuition:
Intuition or gut feeling refers to simply having a feeling or an understanding about something that isn’t based on data, evidence or anything tangible. "It can also be considered as an unconscious process of our thinking versus conscious thinking which tends to be more logic-based and tangible," notes Dr. Pausic.
Different people are connected to their intuition in different ways and to varying degrees. However, sometimes factors like too much external stimulation, inability to focus and self-doubt can make us disconnected from our intuition, says Dr. Pausic.
"When we become disconnected from our intuition, it becomes more difficult to know if we are making the right decisions for ourselves. We might end up making decisions based on the opinions of others or based on our logical thinking—neither of which may be aligned with what’s best for us," Banks explains.
To re-engage with our intuition, "it's important to check in all the 'noise' that gets in the way—all the different parts of us that have conflicting opinions, beliefs, preferences, feelings, fears, etc.," says Stone.
"Find what grounds you—whether it's exercise, meditation, talking to a supportive friend, music or writing and use it to reconnect with your core self, suggests Stone.
Minimizing negative and unhealthy thoughts, and learning to be more present in the moment can also help you tap into your intuition, suggests Dr. Pausic.
#8 Allowing Past to Dictate Your Future:
Another major self-love saboteur is allowing scripts from the past (whether it's exes, parents, bosses, etc.) to define your future, notes Dr. Hafeez. Meaning, baselessly assuming that something that happened in the past is bound to happen again in the present or future.
By repeating these kinds of presumptive thoughts in our mind and constantly seeking evidence to back them, we end up allowing our worst thoughts to become our reality, Dr. Hafeez points out.
To avoid this, it's important to remember that history does not predetermine our future. "Especially if we gain enough insight to make the necessary changes to our thought and behavioral patterns," says Stone.
Here are eight practical ways to stop dwelling in your past and move on with life.
#9 Thinking in Black and White:
"Black and white thinking blocks us from seeing the nuance in life," says Dr. Reichmann. For those who have this kind of dichotomous outlook, things are either good or bad, perfect or horrible, happy or miserable. "This type of thinking renders self-love difficult as it tends to foster projection, shame and unhappiness," explains Dr. Reichmann. "One way to combat this is by utilizing strategies from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)," she recommends.
#10 Fostering False Hope:
Hope can be a positive motivator and driver of behavior. However, cultivating false hope severs our connection from reality. Sometimes, we want something or someone so badly, we believe that if we try hard enough or offer more, we can make it happen. This false hope prevents us from seeing and accepting the reality of the situation. As a result, we end up wasting precious time and energy stuck in a perpetual, mentally draining cycle of hope and disappointment.
"I've been there. After the first few months of dating, my former boyfriend stopped saying and doing things that made me feel valued. I knew he was capable of treating me better, but his actions showed he didn’t value me. After finally breaking up with him, I would still feel false hope whenever he’d reach out to me. I’d read into his text messages, thinking that he perhaps did value me but simply didn’t know how to show it. The reality was that nothing in his messages indicated any of these things I was hoping for. It was my false hope that wasn’t based in reality," Banks reveals. "I had to face the truth of what he was actually showing me. Had I continued to give in to this false hope, I would have wasted much more time and energy on someone who could not give me what I needed in a relationship," she says.
Here are some simple strategies to identify and let go of false hope.
And if despite your best efforts, you continue to feel like your emotions or thoughts are too overwhelming to deal with, please consider seeking help from a therapist as soon as possible.
